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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471257">Pass Through Frequencies</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/missgoalie75/pseuds/missgoalie75'>missgoalie75</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magicians (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, M/M, New York City</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 09:07:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>15,379</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26471257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/missgoalie75/pseuds/missgoalie75</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliot is having a a bit of a delayed quarter-life crisis, as evident by his looking back on his top 5 most memorable breakups, which Quentin Coldwater absolutely didn't make it on, no way, (but he did). At least he can accompany it all with a cinematic soundtrack and have the support of his friends at the record store he barely maintains. Alexa, play "Dammit" by Blink-182.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Magicians Happy Ever After</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Pass Through Frequencies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26496397">Pass Thru Frequencies</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary0613k/pseuds/Mary0613k">Mary0613k</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>Characters/Pairings:</b> Eliot, Quentin, Margo, Penny, Idri, Julia, Todd, Mike, Poppy; Eliot/Quentin, brief Eliot/Idri, mentioning of Quentin/Poppy, Eliot/Mike, Eliot/Todd, Eliot/OCs, Penny/Kady</p><p><b>Spoilers/Warnings:</b> High Fidelity AU; substance use, suicidal ideation, scenes of a sexual nature</p><p><b>Disclaimer:</b> Standard disclaimers apply, song lyrics are accredited within the fic. Title is ripped from Jim Adkin's new podcast - sorry Jim ilu!</p><p><b>A/N:</b> Honestly, I think this fic turned into a love letter to Crown Heights after March. For me, Brooklyn seems as far away as California at this point. I miss you dearly. Also RIP to Butter &amp; Scotch, who had to close their doors recently, but at least they’re still selling their desserts online. I want to first thank my artist, Mary, for her openness and willingness to collaborate. It was a pleasure meeting you and working with you on this! I also must thank Annie for betaing even though this isn’t her fandom; she’s very generous and patient to do so. Lastly, I want to thank the moderators for running this fest - it was definitely a nice thing to work on and look forward to during this dark time. Oh, and if possible, support High Fidelity on Hulu and show them how much they fucked up by canceling it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Eliot Waugh is used to defining his life through phases of misery, heavily embellished by a soundtrack underscoring the times in which he suffered through. The question – "Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable, or was I miserable because I listened to pop music" could be answered as: both are valid; however, the former holds the most weight.</p><p>Examples: when his family turned on him, "Brick" by Ben Folds Five, fittingly enough, was on the radio and he still can't listen to it without a knee-jerk emotional reaction. When kids at school started to bully him, <i>Enema of the State</i> was sweeping the nation's youth, eight-year-olds not completely realizing "Adam's Song" was about a kid's suicide. And in the iron-grip of the Bush administration, Eliot nursing a bruised noise, a sprained wrist and other ailments that he couldn't single out, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" was inescapable. Irony, some would say as Whiteland, Indiana continued to ship their young boys off to the deserts.</p><p>His heartbreaks, his losses, his failures, before The Accident, afterwards, which he's currently contending with right now.</p><p>And a heartbreak – the latest one – one Quentin Coldwater. But he barely cracks the top five.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot Waugh's top five most memorable breakups?<p>In chronological order:</p><p>Kevin Bannister, Taylor Schwartz, Jack Aldon, Mike McCormick, and Todd Pendergast.</p><p>(See? Quentin Makepeace Coldwater should've gotten to him earlier.)</p><p>Besides, Eliot has other more pressing matters besides that breakup. Like the aftermath of the Accident: his leg is still jacked, he has to use a cane and attend physical therapy a few times a week, and he's been given a never-ending supply of serious narcotics because the pain he experiences on a daily basis is agonizing. </p><p>But hey, he's still standing.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>"Top Five best Elton John singles," Penny suggests on March 25th, Sir Elton John's birthday.<p>Eliot has been back at work at Championship Vinyl for approximately two weeks. They still haven't taken down the streamers from his welcome back party, which speaks more to Margo's happiness that he's back than their collective laziness to clean up.</p><p>"'Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,'" Penny starts.</p><p>Margo groans. Eliot never cared for it either. <i>You can't plant me in your penthouse, I'm going back to my plough</i> – Eliot would rather kill himself.</p><p>"'Tiny Dancer.'"</p><p>"Obviously," Eliot and Margo say at the same time.</p><p>"'Bennie and the Jets.'"</p><p>"Let me guess, <i>Goodbye Yellow Brick Road</i> is your favorite Elton album?" Margo scoffs.</p><p>Penny rolls his eyes. "'Someone Saved My Life Tonight,' and 'Your Song.'" He glares at Margo. "Why are you such an asshole?"</p><p>"My Top Five," Margo starts, ignoring him. "'Tiny Dancer,' obviously, 'Border Song' –"</p><p>"Really?" Eliot asks, surprised.</p><p>"Uh, listen to <i>17-11-70</i> and your mind will change. 'Daniel,' 'Saturday Night's Alright for Fighting' –"</p><p>Penny's expression is one of pure disdain. "So, I can't like any song from <i>Goodbye Yellow Brick Road</i> because it's a cliché, but you can because…?"</p><p>"And, of course, 'The Bitch is Back.'"</p><p>"You do know 'Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me' with George Michael in the 90s was a single outside of the original version, right?" Eliot comments innocently.</p><p>"<i>Fuck</i>," Margo yells.</p><p>"'Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me' – the version with George Michael –" Eliot starts and Margo giving him the middle finger. "'Tiny Dancer,' 'Rocket Man' –"</p><p>"Ugh, that is a good one," Penny sighs. "I'd switch that out with 'Someone Saved My Life Tonight.'"</p><p>"'I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues' –"</p><p>"Whoa, someone coming out of left field to pick an <i>eighties</i> Elton song," Margo interrupts him, shaking her head. "Sneaking that into a list of tried and true classics. I see you, Waugh."</p><p>Eliot scoffs. "That's a great one, come on. I know he had a slump, but not everyone expected to be a genius forever. And I'll also pick 'The Bitch is Back.'"</p><p>"Thank God there's no 'Crocodile Rock,' to be found," Penny sighs.</p><p>"It's a weak song," Margo says dismissively.</p><p>"You're both judgmental bitches. It's a fun song," Eliot laughs.</p><p>"It's not a song you want to put on repeat for an hour though, is it?"</p><p>"…No."</p><p>Margo smiles triumphantly.</p><p>"You know Fen would though," Penny adds.</p><p>"Without a doubt," Eliot says at the same time Margo says, "That <i>would</i> be her favorite Elton song."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Long story short, Eliot inherited a record store called Championship Vinyl in Crown Heights from Dean Fogg through questionable means. After all, a professor from a prestigious college shouldn't really be shelling out fully established businesses to former students. But, Eliot has found remnants of other lost souls before him in the store, so maybe it's supposed to be for the special fuck ups Dean Fogg comes into contact with, except he probably didn't expect for Eliot to remain here this long, but hey. Eliot is a High King of Miserable Fuckery.<div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot is playing "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" on the piano in the record store later that afternoon during a slump (there are, admittedly, a lot of slumps during the work week). Penny is in the back office making calls to people who have expressed interest in selling their records. Margo is taking a class online and is manning the register, most likely with her headphones in because it's the only explanation as to how Quentin Coldwater managed to walk into the record store without being stopped.<p>Eliot's back is to the door, so he doesn't realize it's him until the end of the song when Quentin joins in, his tone-deaf voice somehow both annoying and endearing as he sings, '<i>laughing like children, living like lovers,</i>' and Eliot isn't one to ruin a performance. Eliot finishes the song, makes sure his shoulders are set and his back straight before turning around to look at Quentin.</p><p>His hair is shorter than the last time Eliot saw him –</p><p>(Quentin crying, Eliot unable to look him in the eye, telling him he didn't have to leave tonight, but the bags were already packed and Quentin was out the door, out of the neighborhood –)</p><p>But obviously Quentin still looks good, regardless. Eliot wishes that he made himself get a trim recently, but he's currently counting the act of getting fully dressed to be a win.</p><p>"Quentin," Eliot greets.</p><p>Q's eyes are on the cane propped against the piano.</p><p>"Ah, yes." Eliot nods. "My latest and greatest accessory."</p><p>Q frowns a little. "I didn't know it was that bad," he admitted. "I was just told – anyway." Q shakes his head. "Do you think – will you, I mean –"</p><p>Eliot saves him from the stuttering. "Maybe. Possibly. I'm trying with the exercises and the physical therapy, but, you know, it hurts." He tries to smile. "What brings you here?"</p><p>"What the ever-loving <i>fuck</i>, Coldwater," Margo snaps, causing Quentin to jump in place. "You can't just sneak in! Not when we had an agreement post-breakup!"</p><p>"You were clearly very engaged and I didn't want to disturb," Q says, holding his hands up in surrender. "Besides, I figured this required a face to face interaction. And my phone currently getting fixed," he chances a glance at Eliot. "Otherwise I would've actually called or texted to schedule a meeting."</p><p>Eliot looks over at Margo, who shrugs her shoulders. <i>I'll follow your lead.</i></p><p>Eliot sighs and focuses back on Quentin. "Do you want to grab a coffee, then?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>Eliot is carefully slow as he slides to the edge of the bench, grabbing his cane and getting to his feet. Quentin makes a weird choking noise that takes them both by surprise. "Sorry," Q says, eyes misty. "I just – I'm glad you're alive." Q tries to smile and it's a struggle for him.</p><p>Eliot is tempted to reach out, to touch Quentin's face, but he refrains and he tightens his grip on his cane instead. "Your pick since you're not in the neighborhood anymore."</p><p>Quentin skips out of the store and announces the Breukelen Coffee House, as expected. They have a Nutella coffee that even Eliot thinks is quite good, but Q has a special, undying love for it.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Number one on the memorable breakup list? Kevin Bannister.<p>Eliot was thirteen and coming to terms with his sexuality – there wasn't so much internalized angst regarding it, but more of a realizing horror that he's in a bumfuck town populated with bumfuck townies and he's not going to make it to eighteen unscathed. </p><p>But those thoughts were designated to be late night ones. During the day, Eliot was trying not to think about Kevin Bannister, who was in his math, social studies, and gym classes, distracting Eliot with his perfect smile and windswept blonde hair. While his peers were distracted by girls developing breasts, Eliot was entranced by <i>boys, boys, boys</i>, but lied and said yes, he was also staring at Carole Wright's breasts.</p><p>(Partially, that was the truth, but it was primarily because he felt terribly for her – they seemed like they were uncomfortable to carry around, not to mention the gross attention she got from people in their middle school and high school and parents.)</p><p>Anyway, Kevin Bannister.</p><p>Eliot had fantasized and stared and pretended not to stare and eventually, surprisingly, Kevin stared back.</p><p>Kevin was Eliot's first real kiss – not counting Sarah C. in the fifth grade during a terrible game of truth or dare. In fact, Eliot liked to think he was Kevin's first boyfriend. After all, they met after school and made out for two hours, three days in a row. And on the fourth day – there Kevin was, sucking face with Alison Ashmore. </p><p>He thought of her as a slut in 2005, but obviously in 2020 that isn't a good look. He was really just hurt and tasted real bitterness for the first time. Besides, it obviously wasn't her fault that Kevin Bannister was an asshole.</p><p>And funnily enough, in retrospect, it seems like every other romantic story in his life is some kind of fucked up version of that first one.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Q waits until Eliot finishes taking his first sip of coffee before telling him that he's seeing someone else.<p>It's expected. It's been a while since they broke up, even though Eliot was unconscious for part of it and too focused on fixing his broken body for the rest of it, so it sort of feels like they broke up two weeks ago and this is all rather fast after how many years together.</p><p>But that's unfair. Eliot can handle all contradicting emotions because he's an adult and is used to it.</p><p>"Is it anyone we know?" Eliot asks, delicately picking up his coffee, trying to appear blasé, but he feels like vomiting. Maybe this coffee is too strong for his stomach. He puts the cup back down.</p><p>Q looks down at his Nutella concoction. "Uh, well…"</p><p>That's a yes, but a yes that means that Eliot not only knows who it is, but doesn't like them.</p><p>"Poppy," Quentin eventually says.</p><p>"Poppy," Eliot repeats, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>Q nods, wincing.</p><p>What the – <i>who the fuck is Poppy</i>?</p><p>Q doesn’t know anyone named Poppy. Eliot doesn't either, although he's always thought that name was so quaint, so very English, but now he hates it. It's a horrible name. Who is this woman who dares to tempt Quentin and –</p><p>Eliot gasps in absolute horror as the realization hits him emotionally in a way that car wreck destroyed his body. "<i>No</i>."</p><p>Q shrinks in his chair, confirming Eliot's suspicion.</p><p>"I regret this coffee," Eliot announces, the acidic liquid is making its way up his esophagus, but he painfully swallows it back down.</p><p>"Eliot –" Quentin starts.</p><p>"I know I was an asshole, but you never –" Eliot interrupts him, regretting the words as soon as they spill out of his mouth.</p><p>Q's face twists into contempt. "No. Nothing happened when she was living above us, Eliot."</p><p>That's right – Poppy – or P. Kline as evident by mail left on the floor and the name plate on the buzzer outside of their – Eliot's – building, used to live above Eliot's apartment as recently as four months ago. She told them she won a housing lottery in Brownsville, which. Good luck.</p><p>She used to have obnoxious, loud sex. She was an awful cook and listened to awful music and Quentin is –</p><p>"I'm telling you because you deserved to hear it from me," Quentin says, interrupting Eliot internal spiral.</p><p>Eliot's throat is raw as he swallows. "Acknowledged." He swallows again. "And appreciated," he says through gritted teeth.</p><p>Q's eyes soften. "El. It's…come on."</p><p>Eliot shuts his eyes briefly. "Yeah." He opens them and gives Q a winning smile. "Do you want to go to a bar instead?"</p><p>Q frowns. "Not really. I haven't really been drinking since –"</p><p>Right. The break up. Part of the fucking problem with Eliot.</p><p>Eliot brings a hand to his stomach with a wince. "Right, well. Coffee really upsets the stomach now unless it's mostly milk."</p><p>Q's concerned face is upsetting Eliot's stomach further. "Margo didn't go into detail about the accident."</p><p>"I didn't want her to. Ignorance is bliss." Eliot tries to smile. "I didn't want you to worry about me when you already did enough of that before."</p><p>"It was your <i>life.</i> You almost <i>lost it</i>."</p><p>Yes, it was touch and go for a minute there, but –</p><p>"I'm still standing."</p><p>"Ah, hence the Elton John," Q figures out quickly, a small but pleased grin on his face. </p><p>"Yes." Eliot gives him a real smile this time.</p><p>Eliot knows when to take a win and calls the outing early. Eliot tells Q he has things to do – plans. Exercises that he promised his physical therapist he'd start taking seriously. They part ways with awkward smiles and waves.</p><p>Eliot goes to Crown Inn and drinks enough to feel emotionally numb.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Number two on the breakup list is Taylor Schwartz. A rather dark spot in Eliot's high school years. They dated for a few months in secret, of course, because Whiteland was Whiteland.<p>But, Taylor was nice and sweet, which Eliot didn't want at the time. He was angry and upset with his family and living in that town and he wanted to fuck the pain away, which Taylor didn't. So, Eliot dumped him.</p><p>(Later, Taylor is outed and beaten in the school gym and, well. It wasn't Eliot's finest hour. He's only ever told Quentin about it, who accepted it with a lot of grace and petted his hair.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>"Top Five breakup songs," Eliot suggests.<p>"Any combination of songs from <i>Rumours</i>," Penny says without stopping his reorganizing.</p><p>"That's so<i> lazy</i>," Margo drawls.</p><p>"Yes, but not incorrect."</p><p>Margo rolls her eyes. "Fine. 'Don't Speak,' No Doubt. 'You Outta Know' –"</p><p>"Really?" Penny asks, lifting his head.</p><p>"You will never experience the pure release that comes with screaming this song during karaoke because you are a man," she tells him.</p><p>Penny raises an eyebrow. "I didn't think you liked grunge."</p><p>"<i>Jagged Little Pill</i> is good but overrated."</p><p>"Don't say that too loudly amongst eighties babies," Eliot says.</p><p>"Whatever. 'Irreplaceable,'" Margo continues.</p><p>"Amazing," Eliot agrees.</p><p>"'It's Too Late,' Carole King.'"</p><p>"Nice one," Penny agrees.</p><p>"'End of the Road,' Boyz II Men."</p><p>"I thought you would go for an all-female artist Top Five," Penny comments.</p><p>"I contemplated adding 'New Rules' by Dua Lipa, but the nostalgic factor won me over in the last second."</p><p>Penny snorts and shakes his head. "Okay – Waugh, what are yours?"</p><p>Eliot smiles because he knows this is going to annoy everyone. "'It Must Have Been Love' by Roxette –"</p><p>"Oh my <i>God</i>, are you kidding –" Penny groans.</p><p>"That song is incredible, shut up. 'Careless Whisper' –"</p><p>"You're <i>really</i> going for the cheesy ballads, aren't you," Margo laughs. "If you say "Total Eclipse of the Heart' at any point, you're going to be forcibly removed from the store."</p><p>"'I Will Survive' –"</p><p>"You're so gay."</p><p>"I'm sorry, why am I getting interrupted by all the commentary when you were able to share your list?" Eliot shoots them both warning looks. "'Go Your Own Way,' Fleetwood Mac."</p><p>Penny and Margo sigh at the same time. "<i>Rumours</i>."</p><p>"'The Scientist' – Coldpl –"</p><p>"Out. Get out," Margo demands, pointing toward the door.</p><p>"That band is shit but you know that song is amazing," Eliot retorts.</p><p>"It is their best song," Penny agrees quietly.</p><p>Margo rounds on Penny. "We don't support Coldplay under this roof."</p><p>"We support Aimee Mann's cover of 'The Scientist' though," Penny says.</p><p>Margo narrows her eyes at Penny. "What?"</p><p>Penny plays it on his phone, a live version hidden in a special edition of Aimee Mann's fourth album, according to him. It further supports Quentin's theory that all Coldplay songs are elevated by other artists covering them. Like Bob Dylan before them.</p><p>Eliot is tempted to send it to Q, but refrains.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Quentin once told Eliot that he was extremely confused by his taste in music. Or really lack thereof – Q said that Eliot likes a mish-mash of songs that reflect all the people in his life – there's not one particular genre or band or anything that defines Eliot.<p>An anomaly, Q had described in a kind way. Eliot likes to define his personality in other ways. </p><p>Besides, it's about the songs – not every artist creates consistent, stellar music. People mourn the death of the album in this modern age, but Eliot hasn't shed a damn tear. He can't name more than five songs by MGMT, but "Time to Pretend" is a work of fucking art. Vampire Weekend is one of the most pretentious bands, but "The Kids Don't Stand a Chance" was on repeat during Eliot's senior year of high school, dreaming of being a New Yorker like them. The Velvet Underground &amp; Nico are supposedly classics, but Eliot only knows and cares about "Venus In Furs," a staple on his hookup playlist.</p><p>Maybe Eliot is the worst person to own a record store – he can't recommend artists based on other artists and he can't explain the difference in sound between one record player from another. He's also scratched more than a few records, to Penny's annoyance. But hey, this is Brooklyn, and irony is always in.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Number three on the top five all-time breakup list: Mike McCormick.<p>Eliot met Mike while he was in his sophomore year of college while Mike was in his first year of grad school. Mike was the kind of guy Eliot wanted to meet in Whiteland but didn't exist. He was smart, and funny, and caring, and even though they dated for two years, Eliot could not get comfortable. There was that dark voice in the back of his mind, barely contained: why would a guy like Mike want to go out with a guy like Eliot?</p><p>Eliot hates acting like a jealous bitch, but he acted like a jealous bitch whenever Mike so much as referenced one of his attractive classmates in his design class. Eliot always figured that Mike would leave him for one of them. Which happened. Well, after a few months of cheating, supposedly. Eliot never got solid proof on that, but he feels it was true.</p><p>One of Eliot's top five most embarrassing moments involves his being wasted at two in the morning, standing outside in the rain of Mike's apartment, calling him a bitch and demanding that they work it out. </p><p>It was a Low Point. Which triggered an Episode of Sorts, which landed him in the record shop. It was all so…down and depressing. He wishes he could laugh at his sad twenty-two-year-old self for thinking that was rock bottom.</p><p>Anyway, Eliot learned an important lesson from dating Mike: don't date self-proclaimed artists.</p><p>Just kidding.   </p><p>The original lesson was to not go out of your league, but Eliot can recognize that was bullshit and that Mike wasn't better than him. That was the mental illness and drugs talking.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>It's dumb, but Eliot didn't own a personal record player until Christmas three years ago. It's one of those suitcase ones since his apartment is small, it fits with the decor, and he doesn't give a crap about fancy audio quality.<p>He doesn't have a ton of records – again, he doesn't usually like full albums, but over the last couple of years his friends have attempted to give him albums in which Eliot likes <i>most</i> of the songs.</p><p>Although he realized pretty quickly after The Accident that Quentin forgot to take back a few records due to his larger collection started mixing with Eliot's feeble one. Eliot considers bringing them back to Q every once in a while, but Eliot finds the folk records comforting ambient noise to complement the hustle and bustle of Franklin Avenue. It tricks Eliot into thinking that his life can be part of a film.</p><p>And he finds solstice on the floor in his fine clothes, watching from below the vinyl spin at 33 rotations per minute, his leg propped on a pillow as he listens to <i>and we run from all the things that make it worth it, it's what I do.</i></p><p>"I'm a masochistic asshole," Eliot sighs out loud.</p><p>Indeed he is.</p><p>Which brings him to number four on the top five all time breakup list: Todd Pendergast.</p><p>It was right after Mike and Eliot was feeling like a piece of shit when he met Todd, who was also feeling like a piece of shit after a bad breakup. They got together out of their mutual fear of dying alone and wanting to drown in their matching sorrows.</p><p>It just got a little weird when Todd started mirroring Eilot in other ways, like borrowing his waistcoats and buying cheap knock offs of his shirts. But Eliot was in a low place and found it flattering in a twisted way.</p><p>Regardless, they had a great arrangement for a year until Todd had to fucking ruin it by saying that he met someone else.</p><p>Not only that, Eliot swears Todd took one of his secondhand Brioni jackets that he managed to find for a steal, so there's a long-standing APB out on Todd Pendergast for follow up questions.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot is reorganizing his entire wardrobe when Penny comes by and says, "Get the fuck up, we're going to a show."<p>Eliot considers arguing, but the show is in a temple by Prospect Park and there are seats, which is a rarity in venues that are not stadiums like Madison Square Garden and Barclays, so he agrees to go. </p><p>Penny asks Eliot what wine he wants given that the bar is on the third floor with no elevator.</p><p>"Wow, he's showing his heart tonight," Margo points out after Penny leaves.</p><p>"I know, it's weird. I would've struggled up the steps."</p><p>Before the Accident, Eliot was getting to the point of regularly complaining about needing to stand for most concerts, even though he's always been one of the tallest people in a room; he's pissed off plenty of people under six feet in dozens of shows. But now, post-Accident, he misses the nights when he complained about minor pain in his lower back.</p><p>Later, when he pops a pill and washes it down with the rest of his wine, the artist going by the name Idri – no last name, apparently – whips out a guitar and plays a tune that sounds vaguely familiar until he starts singing the chorus.</p><p>Eliot blinks in surprise.</p><p>"Is…this JLo?" Margo asks slowly.</p><p>"Why is this hot?" Penny adds, staring in awe at Idri, who is crooning again to the chorus of 'If You Had My Love.' "He's making this stupid song meaningful. We have to stick around and thank him for this."</p><p>"You have such shit taste, Adiyodi," Margo snarks. "How do you hate the original? It's a bop."</p><p>"If both of you don't shut up, I will take out your kneecaps with my cane," Eliot murmurs.</p><p>Penny is very straight and doesn't get excited about much, so Eliot plans on sneaking at least half another pain killer at some point after the show is over. Right now, he's pleasantly buzzed from the wine and Vicodin and Idri does sound as beautiful as he looks, the lights reflecting off his skin and against the painted glass of the temple.</p><p>Truly, a religious experience.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Idri is behind the merch table, signing records and shirts, speaking to people. Penny and Margo are a two-man show, pimping out the record store when they make it to the front of the line. Eliot is the right amount of sheepish and proud and Idri is definitely interested in multiple ways.<p>"That show almost made me want to convert to Judaism – that space was inspiring," Margo says after they leave the temple.</p><p>Penny nods. "Same."</p><p>"Doesn't India want you two to be mortal enemies?" Eliot questions. "And yet I'm sure they wouldn't want either of you converting to Judaism."</p><p>"The power of Hasan Minhaj and his wife," Penny says.</p><p>"Besides, better Judaism than Christianity. No one likes a born-again," Margo adds.</p><p>There were a couple of those in Whiteland. Mostly just bigots pretending to be good-hearted Christians.</p><p>They walk past the Brooklyn Museum because the pain in Eliot's leg is a distant thing that can be ignored. They go to a dive and drink until Penny is craving nachos, so they go to the place on the corner of Franklin and Prospect Place that changed Eliot's mind on nachos. </p><p>(He's always liked finger food, but he hates ones that can potentially leave a mess.)</p><p>"Honestly though," Penny says after they've scarfed down their food for a few minutes. "I wanna date a musician."</p><p>Eliot hums as he sips on a margarita he didn't need to get. "Write songs at home, including private jokes in the liner notes," he considers out loud.</p><p>"They're egotistical moody fucks," Margo interrupts them.</p><p>Margo dated a musician when she was living in LA during her gap year between senior year and college. He is probably on her top five all time break up list. Yikes.</p><p>"Yikes," Eliot says, raising his hand to order another drink for her.</p><p>Penny stares at Margo with wide, blinking eyes. "Do you have a song about you?"</p><p>"Honey, you're going to have to get me way more fucked up to get that information out of me."</p><p>(Honestly, what hurts Margo the most about it is that the song is actually good and cuts deeper than she expected it to. But Eliot will take that secret to the grave.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>"Alright, Margo, it's your turn," Penny says groggily from the floor. He took the cushion from the register chair so he can prostrate himself on the floor in a dramatic fashion. He hasn't moved for customers, who don't seem to care.<p>Margo hums in thought. "My brain hurts and I'm feeling basic today, so…top five track ones." She smiles at Eliot, obviously knowing that he hates when they propose top fives of this nature. "You go first."</p><p>"Basic bitch more like," Eliot grumbles. </p><p>"How can someone with no interest in music own a record store?" Penny asks, looking at Eliot.</p><p>Margo laughs.</p><p>Eliot tries to rack his brain. He definitely likes some album openers, but it's hard to keep track of what they are. He tries to visualize his music library.</p><p>"'Baba O'Riley,' The Who…uh…I don't know. Who is in the title." Eliot starts off slowly. </p><p>"<i>Who's Next</i>, baby," Margo supplies.</p><p>"'Time to Pretend,' MGMT…I don't know…something Spectacular."</p><p>"God, this is sad. <i>Oracular Spectacular,</i>" Penny sighs.</p><p>"Lust for Life,' Iggy Pop's <i>Lust for Life</i>."</p><p>"That would be on mine," Penny says.</p><p>"Britney Spears…uh…fuck it. '…Baby One More Time' and 'Oops!...I Did It Again,' from their respective albums." Eliot grins.</p><p>"Lazy," Margo tuts. "I should force you to pick one. You know we don't allow artist repeats."</p><p>"I should be given the exception since I don't like the album format. I'm a free spirit."</p><p>Margo rolls her eyes.</p><p>Later, Eliot goes in the back and finishes paying some bills and puts in Idri's record. A couple of people ask who it is and Margo and Penny are happy to share Idri's Instagram. Overall, despite the minor hangover, it's a pretty decent day until Idri himself comes into the fucking record store while his own record is still playing.</p><p>"You think maybe we should turn off his music?" Eliot mutters as he passes by Penny.</p><p>"I know, it's a bit much," Penny admits.</p><p>Idri is just as handsome in the harsh light of day as he is on a dark stage with mood lighting. "Hey," he greets Eliot warmly. Idri points to the record player and smiles teasingly. "Like the music."</p><p>Eliot smiles. "We are all about local artists."</p><p>"Even if they're a Bronx boy? I know how you Brooklyn and Queens people feel about it."</p><p>"What, going above Union Square makes our skin itch?" Eliot jokes. "To be fair, I'm not a Brooklyn person."</p><p>"Oh?" Idri asks, intrigued. "What are you, then?"</p><p>A born and raised, corn-fed boy from the heart of this country who forced himself to be a New Yorker. A fuck up with substance use issues and a twisted leg. A lot of ugly things that he can hide with a charming smile.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot thinks he does an incredible job of forgetting about Quentin and Poppy being a couple, but after a nightmare involving the two in various sex positions, he realizes that he's fucking delusional.<p>Number five on the top five all time break up list: Jack Aldon…which actually had no effect on Eliot's life whatsoever. It was a two-month affair that ended amicably. Eliot just slid him in to bump Quentin out. </p><p>But now? Congratulations, Coldwater, you made it to the top five.</p><p>Eliot rubs his face with his hands, annoyed and upset that his face is wet with tears.</p><p><i>Number five, with a bullet, welcome</i>.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot met Q at a cheesy bar off Union Square called Beauty Bar in which one could actually get a manicure (not a good one) or glitter on their face before going to the back to dance. Q was a delightful drunk – he usually always was, Eliot will come to learn – and had glitter stripes under his eyes, fanning out like wings.<p>The music was switching between three decades seamlessly and Q seemed to know every song. It was only fitting that Eliot would invite him to the record store he owned – <i>you don't mind Brooklyn, right?<br/>
</i><br/>
It fell into place in a way that Eliot hadn't experienced before – there was a certain ease that came with falling in love with Quentin Coldwater that was unexpected. The timing in which Q's lease was ending with his shitty roommate Josh was perfect – Eliot invited him to live in Crown Heights. That first week Quentin spent all his money on birthday cake and loaded tots from Butter and Scotch. </p><p>Quentin didn't make Eliot miserable or anxious or ill at ease the way previous relationships did. At first, Eliot reveled in it. How good it was. Really good. But then, then.<br/>
<i><br/>
</i>He fucked it up. Because that's his specialty. Because he has issues. Because he can't go through life without something to dull it the lows or amplify the highs. Because Q has his own issues, which Eliot knew, but their bad spots never happened at the same time.</p><p>Because Eliot, even though he has his issues, it doesn't excuse the fact that he was a fucking asshole until the bitter fucking end.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot is waiting to see his pain management doctor for his monthly check up. He does not use the medications as prescribed – he usually finishes his monthly prescription halfway through the month and supplements accordingly. But this month, he's actually tried to let it stretch out, only needing an extra week's worth this time. He's quite proud of the accomplishment, even though he can't share it.<p><i>You've made great progress in your mobility – you're using the cane less – blah blah blah</i>. He gets another script and the distant promise of potentially weaning him off, even though Eliot is fully aware of the lifelong effects of nerve pain.</p><p>He's on the subway back to Brooklyn with the receipt of the visit in his hand, the train car empty except for an old man passed out at the other end, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. Seriously – what the fuck happened? Why is Eliot Waugh doomed to be left alone and rejected? Was he really just fucked from the beginning with his homophobic family?</p><p>And then as he struggles up the steps exiting the Franklin Avenue stop, he thinks about that very first relationship – Kevin Bannister.</p><p>It's funny, after all these years Eliot still remembers Kevin's house phone number. And when he gets home, he gets a little toasted and maybe dials the number and the phone rings and Eliot thinks it's a bad idea. Eliot hasn't been home in ten years and he's long since ditched his 463 number for a coveted 917 number. </p><p>But Mrs. Bannister picks up the phone.</p><p>"Hello, Mrs. Bannister, this is Eliot Waugh, I was…a friend of Kevin's back in Whiteland. I was hoping I could get a number for him?"</p><p>"<i>Oh…</i>" Eliot bites back a laugh – she <i>definitely</i> remembers him and it's not a fond memory. "<i>Well…if you don't mind calling international – he moved to Australia with his wife Alison about five years ago…</i>"</p><p>"Alison? Alison Ashmore?" Eliot blurts.</p><p>"<i>Well yes, of course, that was his first and last girlfriend. Got married right after college.</i>"</p><p>"He <i>married</i> her?"</p><p>"<i>Yes…</i>"</p><p>Oh, he is so fucking tempted to say that she may have been the first girlfriend, but <i>Eliot</i> was the first boyfriend. But Eliot isn't about that life so he quickly says he has to go and hangs up the phone.</p><p>He stares at the window for a few seconds. "Kevin <i>married</i> Alison," Eliot says out loud. He slowly stands up and tosses his cell phone onto his couch. "I'm <i>fine</i>."</p><p>This is fucking great – <i>truly</i>. Kevin and Eliot were pretty much boyfriends for a collective thirteen hours, but Kevin moved on to Alison and <i>married </i>her. It has nothing to do with Eliot! It was fate or destiny or whatever! It's beyond Eliot's fault!</p><p>…And that's when he gets the brilliant beyond brilliant idea.</p><p>What if…he does this with <i>everyone</i> – Taylor, Mike, Todd – <i>all </i>of them. Reflect, review, and move on. This has been his greatest drunken idea since, well…he can't quite remember because things are fuzzy, so, tomorrow. Or maybe in two days. He'll get right on that.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>First up on the docket: Taylor Schwartz.<p>Eliot looks him up first and finds out that he spends his time between LA and NYC as a movie producer and it seems like he's got a nice life with a really hot boyfriend. Eliot didn't realize that he was carrying that weight of Taylor's unknown wellbeing with him until swiping through pictures of Taylor – grown up and smiling. </p><p>Eliot sends a DM, figuring he should fucking apologize for being an asshole before exploring his own personal angst. And for not doing anything when Taylor was getting the shit kicked out of him. Taylor, surprisingly, responds within a couple of hours and is even more surprisingly gracious about it.</p><p>From Taylor Schwartz:<br/>
<i>Are you still in New York?</i></p><p>Eliot thinks it's a dumb question until he remembers he hasn't posted on his Instagram in months.</p><p>From Eliot Waugh:<br/>
<i>Yeah – Crown Heights.</i></p><p>From Taylor Schwartz:<br/>
<i>Barboncino is one of my favorite Italian restaurants! I'm actually in New York for another two days if you're free to get a drink?</i></p><p>From Eliot Waugh:<br/>
<i>It's on me.</i></p><p>They agree to meet the next day since Eliot is able to have Penny cover for the later hours of the record store. Eliot gets a cocktail at the bar as he waits for Taylor, who comes in a couple of minutes late. Taylor greets Eliot with a warm smile and takes a seat next to Eliot, who had saved the seat with his cane.</p><p>Taylor furrows his brow at it.</p><p>"Karma's a bitch," Eliot says, taking a long sip of his drink. "Bad car accident."</p><p>Taylor winces, opens his mouth before flushing and looking for the waiter to come by to take his needed drink order.</p><p>"I wasn't driving," Eliot clarifies. "But the person who was is currently in rehab in rural Connecticut. Was able to walk away with a bruised arm." </p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliot shrugs. "It's fine," he lies.</p><p>"What are you drinking?" Taylor asks. "The Piazza?"</p><p>Eliot smiles. "You really know this restaurant."</p><p>It goes pretty well – the conversation flows, Eliot isn't bored to death hearing about Taylor's work, mostly because he knows Quentin would've been obsessed. What random movies Eliot has seen parts of or in their entirety that he's hated seem to align with Taylor's taste. Taylor tells Eliot about his life, Eliot tells Taylor (a sanitized version) of his life, and it's all going very smoothly.</p><p>And then, with no real explanation, Eliot torpedoes the entire outing with diving into his recent reflections of his previous relationships and why they all failed, why he's doomed to be alone, trying to disprove the assumption that maybe it wasn't all his fucked-up self's fault. To which, Taylor says matter of fact:</p><p>"Nope, when we broke up – or, when you dumped me, if we want to be accurate about it – was due to you being an asshole about sex and coming out. I mean, if you want to delve into your deep-rooted issues compounding your behavior, then fine, but you're not doing that with me because I don't like you enough for that. Also, that requires someone with a degree in the mental health field."</p><p>Eliot blinks a few times. "That…yeah. Makes sense. Uh, and…sorry. Again."</p><p>Taylor nods. "Yeah. Uh, okay. Well, I'm going to go now, but thanks for the drinks and the food. It was the least you can do. And Eliot?"</p><p>"Yes?"</p><p>"Go fuck yourself," Taylor finishes with a smile and leaves.</p><p>Eliot sighs and finishes off his drink and what's left of Taylor's. Well, Taylor was right, that breakup was on Eliot, so…he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. Fabulous.</p><p>"Excuse me, can I have the check?" Eliot asks the bartender.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Next up: Mike McCormick.<p>But Eliot isn't ready for that quite yet, so he'll go straight to number four on the all-time breakup list: Todd Pendergast. His partner in misery who fucking ruined it by finding someone else.</p><p>It takes sleuthing beyond his capability to find Todd.</p><p>From Eliot Waugh:<br/>
<i>I need to find Todd Pendergast and he seems to have purged all his social media that I was familiar with. I was hoping you could ask Julia to find him. That is if she no longer wants to cut my head off to burn it on a pike in front of her apartment building.</i></p><p>From Quentin Coldwater:<br/>
<i>You're going to have to do a check in afterwards because I worry you'll beat him with your cane if something happened to that jacket he took from you.</i></p><p><i></i>Can't hurt for Quentin to think that's why Eliot wants to get in touch with Todd.</p><p>From Eliot Waugh:<br/>
<i>Deal.</i></p><p><i></i>From Quentin Coldwater:<br/>
<i>Her hatred has downgraded since the breakup. Besides she likes her side hustle as a PI.</i></p><p>From Eliot Waugh:<br/>
<i>So, I can keep my head and all of me can burn?</i></p><p>From Quentin Coldwater:<br/>
<i>Lol. I'll let you know what she finds.</i></p><p>The answer comes within three hours. Very impressive.</p><p>From Quentin Coldwater:<br/>
<i>Oh, and Julia says that you suck and she hopes you never get your jacket back. Also hopes your leg is healing. Which I hope too.</i></p><p>From Eliot Waugh:<br/>
<i>Thanks Q.</i></p><p>Todd is living in Hoboken, which, ew.</p><p>Eliot sends a charming message to Todd, asking to meet up and the little loser actually agrees. Since Eliot is a kind person, he agrees to come into Manhattan near a PATH stop. Since Eliot is also a selfish gay bitch, he pushes for a place around Christopher Street and typically refuses to go above Union Square barring some exceptions.<br/>
<i><br/>
</i>Eliot picks a picturesque place he hasn't been to before on the corner of Christopher Street and Bedford where the bacon egg and cheese sandwich is fourteen dollars, but the crème brûlée French toast sounds oh so divine. Plus, he figures he deserves a real treat for needing to ask the question about Todd's relationship with the jackass he left Eliot for.</p><p>"We broke up," Todd says. "It hasn't been good."</p><p>"I'm sorry to hear that," Eliot says before chugging sangria.</p><p>Eliot is cursed to hear more ramblings about Todd's life and it sounds sad. The unfulfilling job, the new person he seems to have fixated on…Eliot feels a little bad. And also blessed that Todd was the one who ended it – he did Eliot a favor.</p><p>"By the way, you don't…happen to remember my old black Brioni jacket from when we were dating…do you?"</p><p>The sheer panic in Todd's eyes is all the answer Eliot needs. "I'll, uh," Todd swallows, "Mail it. Funny you mention it, I just found it the other week."</p><p>Eliot smiles. "Wonderful. Let me give you my address."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>The jacket arrives a few days later to the record shop with no return label. And it becomes very obvious as to why Todd omitted it because there are some popped stitches and what may be a spot where a bit of bleach hit it.<p>Eliot contemplates murder and how long it would take to find a person living in Hoboken without knowing the address.</p><p>"Dude, the guy was a fucking sad sack from the stories I've heard. It's not worth it," Penny says after Eliot wails out of nowhere for the third time in the hour.</p><p>Eliot is in the middle of angrily texting Quentin about it since he requested an update. "I thought I saw something in him," Eliot grits out.</p><p>"Yeah, yourself," Margo yells from the back. "It was like looking in a mirror."</p><p>Penny snorts.</p><p>"I'll admit I have an ego, but not enough of one to fuck myself."</p><p>Both Penny and Margo snort.</p><p>"You're both assholes," Eliot announces.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>And finally: Mike McCormick.<p>They're still mutual on Instagram, so it's not very dramatic when Eliot sends him a DM, figuring he'll be left unread.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>The store is hopping on a Saturday early afternoon, just after peak brunch time, so most of the shoppers are tipsy. But Eliot likes this, how they move in time with the music and seem to enjoy it.<p>It's a nice afternoon until he spots some chucklefucks trying to steal his shit.</p><p>It's safe to say that Eliot's days of running are over. Not that Eliot was much of a runner to begin with unless it was from the cops and he was on or carrying substances. So, he positions himself accordingly by the door when he gets Margo's attention and gestures with his eyes towards the pair of morons.</p><p>"Hold the <i>fuck up</i>," Margo demands.</p><p>The kids try to make a getaway, but it's 2020 and they're…whatever they are and they don't want to knock down the guy with a cane.</p><p>"You could've run past him," one of the twats mutters when he hands over the vinyl.</p><p>"Dude, he has a disability," the other one argues, gesturing to Eliot. "It's not right."</p><p>"Okay, what the fuck. Why do you have good taste?" Penny asks, offended as he sifts through the records.</p><p>Eliot doesn't recognize any of the bands. Classic.</p><p>"We want to like, mix shit. We need samples."</p><p>Eliot tunes the conversation out because he doesn't care about the technical shit about music. And judging by the maniacal interest flashing in Penny's eyes, Eliot figures that he doesn't need to stick around for this. He heads in the back office and shuts his eyes for his much earned fifteen-minute break.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>"Are you sure?" Margo asks for the third time that night.<p>"Go on your hot date. If you need me to fake a breakdown, I'm around," Eliot promises as he locks up the register.</p><p>Margo is looking hot and judging by the profile of the man she swiped right on, Eliot doubts he'll hear from her unless he has some egregious issue with his personality.</p><p>It takes him another twenty minutes to finish closing up, but as he's about to shut the exterior gates and lock up, he hears, "I'll help you."</p><p>Eliot looks up to see Quentin.</p><p>"I've perfected the art of doing this with one leg," Eliot points out.</p><p>"I know, but whatever, I'm offering," Q argues rather poorly and he looks cute in his little bun, so Eliot steps aside and lets him do it. It takes him back in a good way.</p><p>Eliot wordlessly hands him the lock and key and Q gets it in one go, handing the key back to him. "How's your leg?" Q asks.</p><p>"The same. Trying to cut back on the pain management."</p><p>"And?"</p><p>"Getting there. I was told physical therapy helps, but it's a slow go."</p><p>Q frowns. "I'm sorry."</p><p>Eliot tries to smile. "Is there a reason for the visit?"</p><p>Q swallows. "Yeah, uh. I mean, I can come back another time, but I realized last night that I, um…had some missing records and I-I'm pretty sure they're at your place. But I can pick them up tomorrow or another time –"</p><p>Eliot lied – his leg is killing him right now and watching Q stutter and curling a strand of hair behind his ear is <i>torture</i>. It's absolutely fucking torture. "You can come by. It's fine," Eliot interrupts him.</p><p>Q blinks. "Really?"</p><p>Eliot nods.</p><p>"Great! I drove."</p><p>"I only live three blocks away."</p><p>"I know, but I figured you're doing me a favor so I can transport you."</p><p>"I'm not an invalid," Eliot reminds him.</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"But I will take you up on that offer because my leg is in fact killing me."</p><p>Q frowns. Eliot sighs. Towards the end of their relationship, Eliot was seeing that expression more than not. Eliot reaches into his pocket and takes out his little pill box. "One pill left," Eliot points out before tossing it back. "I used to carry around the prescription bottle. Progress."</p><p>Eliot thought that would at least make Quentin smile, but instead it brings him to tears.</p><p>"Jesus, Q," Eliot groans, walking past him to head up the stairs to the sidewalk.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Eliot, but after those last few months of us together, forgive me for freaking the fuck out about you having a prescription to something!" Q argues, quickly coming after him and stopping in front of Eliot. "I still have nightmares about finding you on the floor or in bed or –"</p><p>"That didn't happen," Eliot interrupts him shortly. "And now it won't. I'm not doing anything else, not since the car wreck. Now, do you want your fucking records or not?"</p><p>The three blocks to Eliot's street somehow feel like thirty miles. It feels weird for Eliot to be letting them into the building since Q was usually the one carrying the keys.</p><p>Eliot tries to ignore the little gasp that gets caught in Q's throat after Eliot turns on the lights. He's very grateful the apartment isn't a disaster. </p><p>Eliot gestures towards the wall unit. "They're there."</p><p>But Q isn't looking at the shelves – he's looking at the coffee table where the suitcase record player is with a vinyl propped against it. "Have you been listening?" Q asks, picking it up.</p><p>"Yeah. It's a mood."</p><p>Q smiles. "You don't like albums."</p><p>"I'm aware."</p><p>"You like this one."</p><p>Eliot doesn't deny it.</p><p>"What else do you like?" Q asks, heading over the shelf. "Do you like <i>On the Train Ride Home</i>?"</p><p>Eliot nods, finding his throat to be swollen as Quentin combs through what's left of his record collection, a final tether between him and El.</p><p>"I know you don't like this," Q says, pulling out the only Death Cab for Cutie vinyl he left behind.</p><p>"'I Will Possess Your Heart' is a masterpiece though."</p><p>Q grins a little. "At least your song preferences are always on point." He turns back to the remnants of his record collection.</p><p>Eliot can't stand anymore, so he sits down on his couch, sighing as he props his leg up. "How's it going with Poppy?"</p><p>Q's back tenses.</p><p>"You don't have to go into details, Q. It's a polite question to ask like, 'how are you?' Nobody actually wants to know how you're really doing."</p><p>Q turns around and crosses his arms over his chest. "Eliot."</p><p>Eliot purses his mouth and rests his head back so he's staring at the ceiling. "Sorry."</p><p>Eliot goes back and forth between believing the breakup was dramatic and unnecessary and also recognizing that he can be a goddamn nightmare, but towards the end he was truly unbearable, even testing Margo.</p><p>"I'm trying to get my shit together," Eliot hears Quentin say with a wavering voice. </p><p>"Which you couldn't do with me," Eliot adds.</p><p>Quentin doesn't say anything for a minute. "We weren't getting along and we weren't talking about it." An understatement.</p><p>"It did take me getting hit by a car to get it together, so," Eliot continues.</p><p>"Do you have it together?" Q asks softly.</p><p>Eliot lifts his head with a wince to meet Q's hesitant gaze. "Well, in terms of adult things: all the bills at Championship and here are up to date, my apartment is not Marie Kondo organized, but it's respectable. I am socializing with people who aren't unsavory creatures, and I'm seeing doctors – more regularly than the average twenty-eight-year-old, given the circumstances, but. I'd say it's a form of having it together." Pause. "And I haven't blacked out since."</p><p>Quentin's tears come fast and he turns his face away, wiping his face dry. "Right."</p><p>(More on the reason for that reaction later.)</p><p>The Vicodin is kicking in finally and Eliot appreciates the emotional numbness that comes with it. At least distance from the negative emotions. Still, he has such incredible fondness for Quentin Coldwater.</p><p>"Is there a chance we might get back together?" Eliot questions softly.</p><p>Quentin's eyes are glassy and he has bags under his eyes. The exhaustion weighs heavy on his shoulders. "I don't know," he says so quietly that it's almost soundless.</p><p>Eliot licks his bottom lip and Q's eyes drift toward the movement before snapping back to Eliot's eyes. "Well, if you don't know…" Eliot starts, smiling faintly, "There's a chance, right?"</p><p>Q shrugs.</p><p>There's a game to be had, maybe if he were on a stimulant or more secure: how much of a chance? Can you put a number on it? A percentage? Q would end up blurting out a random number, like the number nine since that was his soccer jersey number when he was eleven years old. </p><p>Q eventually smiles back. Even though he doesn't say anything else after he collects most of his records and leaves, Eliot feels elated.</p><p>So much so that when he checks his Instagram and sees Idri socializing in his neck of the woods, he figures why not.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>It's pretty straight (ha, ha) forward: Eliot meets Idri at St Ends, a bar with mismatched ornate furniture and neon pink lighting from the sign illuminating the front corner of the bar. Idri explains that he finished his tour in Boston and wanted to come back to New York. They talk about the things they like and don't like. Idri talks about his ex in a wry, self-deprecating way that reminds Eliot of some of Idri's best songs. Eliot isn't able to talk about Quentin with such depth, but it still feels like he's exposing himself like he rarely does.<p>And alcohol, of course.</p><p>So, it's not that surprising in the end when Eliot invites him over to his apartment for a night cap that they end up in his bed after the first few sips of wine. </p><p>What is surprising, Eliot considers when he wakes up before Idri, is that this is the first person he's slept with since Q, since the Accident. He would like to praise his cock for not malfunctioning, since that was a problem the first few weeks post-discharge. </p><p>One-night stands were so frequent in Eliot's past, but after being exclusive with Quentin for years, it's weird to fall back into old habits, old ways of thinking, like, hoping that Idri won't cling or be awkward and make the hangover worse.</p><p>Thankfully, Idri is not awkward at all. He's blessedly quiet and looks good shirtless in the morning light. He also made breakfast with the random shit in Eliot's fridge, so he's a hero.</p><p>"So, your ex, what's his name again?" Idri asks after they eat for a minute in silence.</p><p>"Quentin."</p><p>"I don't think I know anyone by that name."</p><p>"One of a kind name for a one of a kind guy."</p><p>Idri smiles. "Yeah."</p><p>Eliot's eyes well up, but keeps his head down on his meal.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>When they leave Eliot's building, Eliot goes one way and Idri goes another.<p>"And so it is," Idri says. </p><p>"So it goes."</p><p>(Eliot skipped over <i>Slaughterhouse Five</i> in school, but he's met at least seven people with that line tattooed on some part of their body. He only learned about where it's from because of Quentin, who was gob smacked that Eliot didn't read the book (little did Q know that would be the beginning of Eliot giving him conniptions on the number of books Eliot has managed not to read in his life). Eliot has always rather liked that line without context.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot gets a real breakfast on his way to work because scrambled eggs with everything bagel seasoning and nothing else mixed in with borderline stale crackers on the side is a little sad for someone getting close to thirty.<p>He also texts Quentin to see if he's available for a drink later. Because Eliot can't get over Quentin – he hasn't really tried, frankly, but he knows he doesn't want to, that he wants to fight for what they had – when it was good, before he became an asshole and blamed it on the chemical imbalances he occasionally experiences.</p><p>Q picks a bar by Franklin that has a decent food menu and he's ordered himself a burger and extra fries. Eliot had a shot before coming, so he takes some fries without prompting.</p><p>"Hi," Q says, eyeing Eliot warily.</p><p>"I had a shot because I was nervous," Eliot admits. " Will this side of fries negate it?" He makes sure to tack on a charming grin.</p><p>Q fights back a smile. "I guess."</p><p>Eliot swallows over the lump in his throat.</p><p>"Why are you nervous?" Q asks, tilting his head as he picks up his beer and takes a generous sip.</p><p>"Do you still love me?" Eliot asks back. Like ripping off a band aid.</p><p>Q chokes on his beer. "Wh-What? I uh, I –" he stutters.</p><p>"Because I love you. I don't want anyone else and I don't need anyone else," Eliot presses on.</p><p>Q purses his mouth, his eyes wide and hurt. "El."</p><p>"Look, I know I was a major fucking asshole, okay? And I swear, I blacked out that night, I don't remember –"</p><p>Q rubs his nose with the back of his hand and gets up clumsily from the bench he's sitting on. "I can't do this, I gotta go –"</p><p>And off he goes into the rain.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Getting caught in the pouring rain on a moody New York City night is infinitely less cinematic when walking with a cane, no matter how nice it is.<div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>A few weird things happen within the span of sixteen hours:<p>One: Julia calls Eliot on Q's phone to yell at him for ten seconds: <i>back off you fucking asshole and leave Quentin alone, you've done enough damage!</i> There was also the beginning of a threat, but someone must've taken the phone away from her and hung up.</p><p>Two: Margo came right when he was opening up the store, coffees in hand with a careful expression on her face. She doesn't say anything until he pockets the lock and takes the offered coffee.</p><p>"Can I ask you a question and you can think on it?" she asks him.</p><p>He unlocks the front door and switches the sign from closed to open.</p><p>"Why now? After the last few months – why are you fighting so badly for Q now?"</p><p>Plenty of reasons – he was not in the headspace, he was fighting for some semblance of a life and attempting to get his shit together, he really fucking loves Q –</p><p>And three: as he's organizing receipts, the record shop gets a call.</p><p>"Championship Vinyl, Eliot speaking," Eliot greets.</p><p>There's a surprised laugh on the line. "<i>Wow. It's really you – Eliot Waugh.</i>"</p><p>Eliot almost drops the phone. "Mike?" </p><p>Mike laughs again. "<i>Yeah! I saw your DM, did some digging, figured I had to see for myself that you were actually running a record store. God, it feels like a million years, right?</i>"</p><p>Eliot is bewildered. "Yeah, a couple million, I'd say." He exhales. "Wow, Mike McCormick. How are you? Have you succumbed to the baby boomer pressure of marrying and having children?"</p><p>Mike snorts, as expected. "<i>Haven't been brainwashed yet. Definitely still holding onto my selfish independence for as long as possible.</i>" A beat. "<i>You know, you're the second ex to reach out this year and we're not even at the quarter mark.</i>"</p><p>Eliot pauses. "Is that right?"</p><p>"<i>Yeah, I don't know what the fuck's going on – guys going through this bullshit quarter-life crisis I guess – what does it all mean, etcetera.</i>"</p><p>El oh el. "How silly," Eliot responds, spinning on the heel of his good leg toward the back of the store.</p><p>"<i>You remember Marco, right? The guy I saw after you.</i>"</p><p>Of course Eliot fucking does. "Kind of."</p><p>"<i>Yeah, he wanted to rehash the past.</i>" Mike scoffs. "<i>Anyway, not really into that. More about looking forward and living in the present. So, Eliot Waugh, do you want to rehash the past or do you want to be my friend?</i>"</p><p>"Friend, absolutely," Eliot lies.</p><p>"<i>Great. Then, if you don't have any plans, do you want to come to a dinner party I'm hosting tonight? I'm living in Williamsburg – got a beautiful condo, overlooks the East River on one side.</i>"</p><p>Eliot smiles. "I have nothing planned. Sounds wonderful."</p><p>"<i>Great – I'll send you the address. No need to bring anything except alcohol.</i>"</p><p>"I will. See you tomorrow then."</p><p>"<i>Bye, Eliot.</i>"</p><p>Eliot hangs up, feeling off kilter. He thought he'd feel more anxious or something – Mike was the one that got away for so long that Eliot figured he'd experience a crisis of sorts. Instead, he's just…he doesn't really care.</p><p>He exhales and exits the office. The store is empty save for Margo behind the register, focusing on the computer, and a bottle-redhead by the front of the store –</p><p>Eliot knows her.</p><p>Eliot puts down his cane with more force than necessary. He holds his head up high. "May I help you?"</p><p>Margo looks away from her computer, straight ahead, and Eliot sees her back stiffen. Poppy looks up from the records she's pretending to sift through.</p><p>"Hello, Eliot," Poppy greets, tilting her head with a smile as she walks toward him. "Remember me? Poppy, your old upstairs neighbor?"</p><p>Margo whips her head over to Eliot, rage in her eyes.</p><p>"I was thinking maybe we should talk and sort things out," Poppy continues, either not noticing Margo's wrath, or choosing to ignore it.</p><p>"Should we?" Eliot asks, keeping his foot on the ground even though pain is starting to shoot up his leg.</p><p>"I don't know what kind of disturbance you're experiencing right now that would make you want to continually reach out to Quentin, but enough is enough." She crosses her arms over her chest, her condescending gaze making Eliot want to rip her eyes out. "I know how special Quentin is, and I know your life isn't a picnic at the moment," she continues, eyes flickering toward the cane. "But it's the twenty-first century – when someone says no, you should respect the decision. At least, that's what I would do."</p><p>Margo is taking out her phone.</p><p>Eliot considers having Margo call the police to have her removed, but they all have complicated feelings about NYPD (well, more negative than complicated), so they try to handle shit themselves. And besides, she's nothing more than a rebound. Eliot knows Q better than he knows himself sometimes, and if Q is going to have a life partner besides Eliot, it's not going to be fucking Poppy Kline.</p><p>"So, are we good?" Poppy asks in the middle of Eliot fantasizing turning Poppy into a golf ball so Eliot could use his cane and take a swing.</p><p>"Goodbye, Poppy," Eliot says with a fake smile.</p><p>"If I see you in here again I'm calling the cops, I don't care how much they suck," Margo threatens Poppy on her way out. Once she's gone, Margo says quietly, "Don't tell Penny. But she's a white girl, it's fine. Penny and I can hide in the back and it'll look like a white on white crime."</p><p>Eliot looks at the spot where Poppy was in distaste. "We need sage."</p><p>"I got some in the back, man the front."</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot goes to Williamsburg after closing up the store and feels that he's with his kind of people – beautiful, cultured, successful. It lasts for about twenty minutes. He finds himself more often than not nursing a Malbec and having nothing to say to these people. He escapes frequently to smoke cigarettes out of the bathroom window overlooking the East River.<p>But most importantly – he doesn't find Mike nearly as charming or engaging as he used to – is it Eliot? Is it Mike? Is it both of them?</p><p>(Margo is going to lose it when she finds out.)</p><p>At some point in his early twenties, Eliot thought this would be his life, but now it just chafes against him like a once-soft fabric washed incorrectly and now it's too small and it itches.</p><p>He's a little drunk on wine, sitting on the couch and Mike comes to sit next to him.</p><p>"Mike," Eliot greets.</p><p>Mike smiles amusedly. "Eliot."</p><p>Eliot gives him a ghost of a smile. "Why did you break up with me for Marco?"</p><p>Mike gasps. "I knew it! You <i>are</i> going through one of those fucking phases!"</p><p>"I think I've earned it more than most," Eliot counters, tapping his outstretched bad leg with his cane.</p><p>Mike immediately looks contrite. "Sorry, that was – how did that –"</p><p>"A car accident, I was the passenger. So, what's the answer to the question?"</p><p>Mike looks off in contemplation. And as he does so, all Eliot could think about is getting the fuck out of Williamsburg and back to his neighborhood. Williamsburg is nice, but this section of it is so sanitized that it lost whatever personality it had to that of the hipsters.</p><p>"You know, actually," Eliot starts, slowly getting up and relying heavily on his cane. "I actually don't care anymore to hear the answer to that question, so, Mike, it was great seeing you. And I mean that genuinely." </p><p>Mike stands up automatically, struggling. "Wh –"</p><p>"I don't need to hear from what I already know about myself at twenty-two. Plus, I know Marco had a <i>sunnier</i> disposition than me. It's the childhood trauma. Bye!"</p><p>And Eliot goes, ordering an Uber to Crown Inn because he needs a palette cleanser.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot goes into work, about to explain what the fuck happened the night before, and Penny completely hijacks the morning conversation by admitting that he took Katy – his most consistent friend with benefits he has – out on a fucking date.<p><i>Five years</i>. Five years of being friends, of sleeping together, of alternating and combining the two roles and <i>now</i> –</p><p>"I should've gone first," Eliot mumbles before sipping his coffee.</p><p>"Your trip down memory lane with your exes when we all know it will inevitably lead to your realizing that you fucked up with Q and want to get back together is not news," Penny counters.</p><p>Eliot gapes at him. "Bitch."</p><p>"He's right," Margo says with a sigh. "But I'd like confirmation from you."</p><p>"Yes, okay. Last night was awful save for the wine. Mike was more annoying than I remembered."</p><p>Margo and Penny point at each other with knowing smiles.</p><p>"I hate you both."</p><p>"I've missed that dorky fuck," Penny says wistfully.</p><p>"Me too," Margo adds.</p><p>"We all fucking miss Q. I'll work on it," Eliot snips as he gracefully exits the store to hide in his office.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Top five things he misses about Q? One – his sense of humor. It can be dry and sharp, but also very warm and forgiving. Plus, his little giggle-laugh can cure Eliot's depression. Two – his heart. Q may be an introvert, but if he lets you in, he'll give everything he has. It's something Eliot always wants to fiercely protect, which really makes Eliot a damn asshole for having his head up his own ass and hurting him.<p>Anyway.</p><p>Three – Eliot just…misses the way he smells. And the way he tastes – his mouth, his skin, his cock – it's all felt like home in a way Whiteland never was and what he thought New York was. </p><p>Four – Q's lack of understanding of how much space his body takes up. His strides are either too big or too little, he curls himself into ridiculously tiny spaces and sits in positions that aren't remotely comfortable. Eliot misses finding him in odd positions around the apartment and in the record store. Fitting himself in spaces so he can be close to Eliot.</p><p>Five – Eliot misses this silly little thing Quentin does when he's tired and comfortable: he gets close to Eliot and gives him an Eskimo kiss with a grin on his face, eyes always closed.</p><p>Granted, Eliot could also come up with a top five things Quentin does that drive Eliot crazy, but they don't matter as much in comparison to things he missed.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot comes in on Wednesday morning later than usual.<p>"Julia called," Margo tells Eliot cautiously. "She said it's urgent."</p><p>Eliot furrows his brow at her, and then listens to the music playing in the background for a few seconds. "Do I like this?" he asks to himself out loud.</p><p>"Yes, because it's actually really fucking good," Penny sighs.</p><p>"Who is it?"</p><p>"You remember those dipshits who tried to steal from us?"</p><p>Eliot's eyes widen. "Really? Wow."</p><p>"Yeah." Penny groans. "I want to like, help them perfect it. Ugh. You know what their name is?"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"The Kinky Wizards."</p><p>Eliot gapes. "I love that."</p><p>"Right?"</p><p>Eliot pulls out his phone and searches through his contacts to find Julia, but pauses before calling. There's a reason why she called the store – she most likely deleted and blocked his number.</p><p>"Hold on, let me call her back so I only have to be yelled at for five minutes instead of ten," Eliot says as he takes the work phone into the back.</p><p>"<i>Eliot</i>," Julia says, sounding…not herself. Hearty almost.</p><p>"Julia – what's wrong?"</p><p>She sniffles. “<i>Q’s dad died. Call him.</i>” She hangs up.</p><p><i>No</i>.</p><p>Ted Coldwater. Tears sting Eliot’s eyes. </p><p>Eliot only got to meet him a handful of times, but Quentin loved his father in a way that Eliot could never understand, that broke his heart out of jealousy. Sometimes it triggered him – how loving and supportive he was. He can't even fathom what Q is feeling right now –</p><p>Eliot calls him. "Come on, Q," he mutters to himself once he gets his voicemail. He calls again. And again, his heart dropping into his stomach.</p><p>"<i>El.</i>"</p><p>Eliot shuts his eyes in relief, relying heavily on his cane. "Q –"</p><p>"<i>I can't</i> –" Quentin chokes back a sob and hangs up.</p><p>El brings the phone down from his ear and sighs, stepping back into the store.</p><p>"That was quick," Margo points out.</p><p>Eliot swallows over the lump in his throat. "Q's dad died," Eliot says.</p><p>Margo stares blankly at him for a second before shaking her head. "<i>Fuck</i>."</p><p>"Seriously? I thought –" Penny starts.</p><p>The cancer kept coming back and it finally won. </p><p>"Fuck cancer," Margo mutters, disappearing behind counter. After a few moments, she says, "Your top five songs you'd play at a funeral – a Q's dad tribute list."</p><p>"So…doesn't necessarily have to be about death?" Penny clarifies.</p><p>"No – Q got some of his quirkiness from his dad." Margo stands back up, her mascara a little smudged.</p><p>Penny sighs, looking up in thought. "'Trouble' by Cat Stevens – tangentially related to death since it was played when Maude dies in <i>Harold and Maude</i> –"</p><p>"Oh, good one, Q loves that movie," Margo comments, whipping out her phone and typing it in.</p><p>"'The Funeral,' Band of Horses."</p><p>"Nice."</p><p>"'Hallelujah,' Jeff Buckley version –"</p><p>"Damn, you're killing this –"</p><p>Eliot's phone rings and he hobbles quickly out of the store and into the back.</p><p>"Hey," Eliot says, shutting the door behind him. "Where are you?"</p><p>Q takes a few shaky breaths. "<i>At Julia's apartment. We're leaving for Montclair in a little.</i>"</p><p>"Okay, I'm glad you have a ride. Do you know about the funeral –"</p><p>"<i>Yeah, it's this Saturday at ten –</i>"</p><p>"I'll be there."</p><p>"<i>Really?</i>"</p><p>"Yes, I promise. Unless you don't –"</p><p>"<i>I want you to be there</i>," Quentin interrupts him, firm. "<i>Thanks,</i>" he adds more quietly.</p><p>"If you need anything, let me know, okay? I'll go to Penn Station and take the train to you."</p><p>"<i>Wow, a heavy promise.</i>"</p><p>Eliot smiles a little. "Only for you, Q."</p><p>Eliot waits for Quentin to respond, but he doesn't. Eliot listens to Q breathe, wishing he could say something to ease the pain, but being enough of a pragmatic to know that nothing is going to ease this kind of suffering.</p><p>"<i>Top five songs about death?</i>" Quentin says, startling Eliot.</p><p>Eliot wets his bottom lip. "Top five songs you'd play at a funeral. More open-ended."</p><p>"<i>Hm.</i>" There's a pause. "<i>What have you thought of?</i>"</p><p>"We don't have to talk about this – I think Margo brought it up to distract from her own emotions –"</p><p>"<i>Was 'Helena' brought up?</i>"</p><p>Eliot exhales. "You called before I could hear all of Penny's choices. But that didn't come up yet. I'm sure someone would've brought it up."</p><p>Q sniffles.</p><p>"Penny brought up 'The Funeral' and that Cat Stevens song from –"</p><p>Q bursts into tears and Eliot quietly wipes away his own.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot, Penny, and Margo have their own songs on what they'd want played at their own funeral, or what they think is a universal track for all, but they put aside their selfish shit and curate a mix for Quentin, made the old school way.<p>Eliot is keeping the CD in his breast pocket as he rides New Jersey Transit to Montclair with Margo.</p><p>Penny stayed behind for the store and sent enough food for Quentin to live off of for two weeks.</p><p>(While El and Q's relationship was on a downward spiral, Q and Penny's antagonistic…whatever it was…improved into something more civil, it's best not to test the waters.)</p><p>Margo and Eliot take an Uber to the funeral home that's five minutes away from the train station. They're a little early due to the train times, so the funeral home is near empty save for Q and Julia and some distant relatives whom Eliot thinks are from Florida. Or was it a Carolina. Whatever.</p><p>Q's in a suit, which is solely due to Julia, who doesn't even have it in her to shoot a glare his way when Margo and Eliot come up to them.</p><p>"Hey Margo," Julia says, bringing her in for a hug.</p><p>Q is looking down at his shoes. He's wearing Converse.</p><p>Eliot reaches into his pocket and takes out the CD, putting it under his nose. Q blinks at it like he's never seen a CD before. "I don't know if you want some of these songs to forever remind you of your dad, but…"</p><p>Q looks up and takes the CD, inspecting it. "No track list?"</p><p>"Like I said. Listen if you want."</p><p>Q sniffles, curling a loose strand of hair behind his ear. "If 'Helena' isn't the first song on this, then it's shit."</p><p>Eliot smiles. "It is. I remember."</p><p>Q smiles back a little, turning the CD in his hands. "Most parents hated what their kids were listening to – but Dad always liked what I liked."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>Q looks up and pauses his movements.</p><p>Eliot has always wanted his dad to drop dead, but right now, the thought of him being alive while Q's supportive, loving, kind dad is dead is extremely fucking cruel.</p><p>Eliot gently guides Q into a hug, Q's head fitting perfectly under his chin. He wants to say something, but his heart is in his throat and Q is clinging to him.</p><p>"Q," Julia says, pulling Q's shoulder pointedly. "Your dad's bridge friends are here."</p><p>Q steps back and wipes his eyes, smiling briefly at Eliot before looking past him.</p><p>Margo takes Eliot's arm and leads them to the pews.</p><p>Eliot had been to a couple of funerals in Indiana – mostly big-name people in town, his grandma's funeral when he was six, and one or two siblings of classmates who got killed in Iraq or Afghanistan. </p><p>This is the first funeral he's been to where his heart fucking guts for the ones sitting in the front row. Q's father's friends speak about him. Q doesn't – he has Julia read something he wrote. She is poised and only waivers once, referencing Q's first depressive episode, how his dad noticed and saved him. Margo rests her head against Eliot's shoulder at one point, not bothering to hold back her tears. </p><p>Overall, it's a nice, intimate funeral that should've happened another twenty or thirty years from now.</p><p>The wake is at Q's childhood home, but Julia is doing most of the work with unexpected help from Q's mother, who seems to not be a narcissistic ass for once.</p><p>Eliot's leg hurts more than usual – he's blaming it on the rain that's coming and the fact that he's not due for another pill for two more hours.</p><p>(Yeah, he's trying the whole…take a pill every six hours instruction.)</p><p>"Are you okay?" Margo asks after a certain point, brow furrowed in concern. "You don't really look that great – I know we planned on staying until five, but there's a train before then –"</p><p>"No. I want to be here for him," Eliot interrupts her.</p><p>She puts a hand on top of the one that's gripping his cane tightly. "Okay," she says quietly. "I can give you half a pill."</p><p>Eliot sighs tiredly.</p><p>"Eliot. I'm not offering to be an asshole. I think you look like you're in genuine pain. My bet is the decreasing barometric pressure compounded with the emotional stress of today, which has turned your pain tolerance to shit." She shrugs as if she’s not attached to that theory, even though she believes with one-hundred-percent certainty that she’s correct and nothing will change her mind.</p><p>He looks down at her for a few moments.</p><p>Her gaze softens. "It's not a weakness. If it makes you feel better, you can take half of your next dose at its scheduled time."</p><p>Eliot reaches into his pocket with his free hand and takes out his pillbox, flicking it open. Margo reaches into the pillbox and bites the pill in half, putting half back in the box and the other into the palm of Eliot's hand.</p><p>"I'm going to help clear some of this shit for Julia. And wash some dishes. You should get off your feet for a few minutes. Kick some able-bodied adult off the couch."</p><p>"Okay. Thanks, Bambi." He reaches out and runs a thumb over the apple of her cheek.</p><p>Once Margo leaves, Eliot looks around for Q, but doesn't find him on the first floor. He goes up the stairs, very grateful for how sturdy the wooden handrail is.</p><p>Q is in his room, his body half under his table where the map of Fillory is painted underneath. The old stereo is playing the CD Eliot gave him – Q's on track three, which is 'The Funeral.'</p><p>Eliot winces as he makes his way over, swiping a stray pillow from the foot of Q's bed to drop to the floor in order to help ease his body onto the floor.</p><p>"Too much?" Eliot asks him.</p><p>Q swallows and nods once. There are dried tear stains on his temple. </p><p>
  <i>To know me as hardly golden is to know me all wrong…</i>
</p><p>Eliot rolls his head to look straight up at the map. Even though Q and Julia did it when they were ten years old, it's pretty accurate and well done.</p><p>(The <i>Fillory and Further </i>series were some of the few books Eliot has read in their entirety, Which Quentin used to say was a Sign.) </p><p>"Q?" Eliot starts, breaking the silence as tears burn in his eyes. He shuts them. "I'm really fucking sorry. For everything. How I treated you – sober and not. For what it's worth – I don't remember a goddamn thing about that night. I know something must've happened, but I can't tell you what. But that's not the point – the point is I was extremely unwell and it took my nearly dying in an accident and permanently fucking up my leg to recognize that. I'm so, so sorry for hurting you. I love you and I can't imagine –" The tears come fast and Eliot wipes them away, stopping himself from finishing that sentence.</p><p>The truth is, Eliot may be able to have a one-night stand and feel okay about it like with Idri, but he won't have that kind of partner he found in Quentin Coldwater. Eliot pats Q's hand before sliding himself from under the table, even though his leg screams at him.</p><p>"I'm going to help Margo clean downstairs," Eliot says as the song fades out.</p><p>Eliot does not help Margo. Instead, he leaves the house despite it pouring rain since he feels less like running if he's in that house. And he doesn't want to run, but he wants to be close by.</p><p>He exhales as he rests his back against the front of the house. He pulls out his pack of cigarettes and takes out one, lighting it up. There's something to be said about his fucking commitment issues – maybe that's the crux of it all. Maybe that's why he doesn't like albums – he can't even commit to listening to the same artist for twelve tracks uninterrupted.</p><p>As he takes his first drag, he hears the garage door open to his left. He leans forward and cranes his neck, surprised but not really to see Q's old Honda lights flashing at him.</p><p>Eliot exhales as Q drives forward and slows to a stop, rolls down the window. "You're an idiot," Quentin tells him.</p><p>Eliot sighs. "I'm really sorry," he says again.</p><p>"Thank you. I appreciate it." Q sighs and rests his head back against the seat, looking forward to the street. "I don't want to be in there," he admits.</p><p>Eliot nods, looking back at the house. He's sure Margo and Julia can handle it. "Anything I can do?" </p><p>Q turns to face Eliot. "Yeah, actually. Get in."</p><p>Eliot tries to walk from the front porch to the passenger side of the car quickly, but he's still half-soaked by the time he gets into the car. </p><p>Montclair is a picturesque suburb, especially Upper Montclair where Q and Julia grew up. The lawns and houses are perfectly maintained, the blocks of restaurants and shops are appealing. The first time Quentin brought him here, it felt like putting some puzzle pieces that Eliot couldn't figure out into place. Of course Q felt isolated and alone here except for Julia. Of course he wanted something else.</p><p>It takes Eliot a couple of minutes to recognize what's playing on the eleven-year-old car stereo.</p><p>"The day I can't update that old iPod will be a sad one," Quentin says when Eliot opens the glove compartment to confirm its existence. "I have so many memories of driving around town on nights like this," he adds absentmindedly.</p><p>Eliot likes being in the passenger seat with Q driving. Eliot definitely considers himself to be the better driver – years of living on farm land and driving tractors and driving the truck around since he was thirteen gives him the advantage, but Q is good – he doesn't jerk the car when he breaks and turns smoothly. </p><p>Eliot shuts his eyes and exhales. When he next opens them, he can't make out his surroundings. A park, maybe.</p><p>"Eliot – will you have sex with me?"</p><p>Eliot tries to mute his facial expression, but he's shocked by the request and the way Q is staring at him. "Uhm," Eliot starts, willing his brain to start working again. "May I ask…why?" </p><p>Q swallows and his bottom lip quivers. "Because I want to feel something other than <i>this</i>. It's either this or I do something really fucking stupid, which I don't want to think beyond that."</p><p>Eliot knows it's the grief, that Q hasn't felt the urge to hurt himself in a long time, but Eliot recognizes that kind of desperation of feeling trapped in your misery. Eliot leans in, expecting Q to close the distance, but he doesn't. Eliot brushes his nose against Q's and they both come together in a moment where Eliot doesn't hear the music coming from the stereo or the rain pounding on the car. There's the pounding of his heart in his ears, the shaky breaths Q steals before his tongue brushes against his, the slide of Q's tie from his collar.</p><p>Q moves his hand from Eliot's face to the side of his seat, pulling a lever so Eliot's seat jerks backwards.</p><p>"A little warning next time," Eliot says breathlessly.</p><p>But Eliot does appreciate Q recognizing that Eliot can't be very creative when it comes to sex positions given his current limitations, so he steadies Q's frame as he moves from the driver's seat to Eliot's lap. </p><p>Eliot can't find the words to express his happiness of being able to look up at Q from this angle, of curling his hair behind his ear. </p><p>Q smiles shyly. "Hi."</p><p>"Hi."</p><p>Eliot kisses his neck – he always liked that 1975 song – <i>I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck</i> – and Q pulls Eliot towards his mouth, kissing him fiercely, pulling on Eliot's curls. </p><p>It's a struggle to unzip them with Eliot's pants being so tight and Q's zipper being the <i>worst</i>.</p><p>"You're burning these fucking pants, Coldwater," Eliot mutters into Q's collarbone as he finally pulls the zipper down, sliding a hand into his boxer briefs, gripping him.</p><p>There isn't much talking after that – Quentin tends to either be extremely verbal during sex, or unable to string two words together. Right now, his panting in Eliot's ear, gripping the back of Eliot's seat with one hand while jerking Eliot off, it's the latter.</p><p>And Eliot just doesn’t feel like talking, his words caught in his throat. There isn't much there beyond <i>I love you</i> and <i>don't leave me now.</i></p><p>Eventually, when they catch their breath, when Quentin cleans them up with baby wipes that he surprisingly keeps in the glove compartment, Quentin takes the long way back to his house.</p><p>They don't speak until Quentin pulls into the garage and cuts the ignition. Q sighs and rests his head back. "I'm tired," he says.</p><p>Eliot nods. "I'd say this day was intense for a lot of reasons."</p><p>"No – I mean, well, yeah of course, but I meant – I'm tired of not being with you. I know it's not the most romantic declaration, but you've…made it clear that you want me back and, I figured…we can figure the rest out later," Q rambles, flushing a little, but his eyes remain focused on Eliot's.</p><p>Eliot swallows, feeling like his heart could probably lift his body from the passenger seat. "What about Poppy?"</p><p>Q exhales and smiles in amusement. "Come on, Waugh."</p><p>Eliot smiles back a little. "I know I'm not the most moral person of the crew," he starts.</p><p>"We broke up. I found out that she confronted you in the store and it just…really pissed me off. And she didn't really get me. Or really care a lot about me. So." Q shrugs. "What do you think?"</p><p>"About your admitting that you're tired and wanting to get back with me?" Eliot clarifies in a half joking manner. Q was right, it wasn't the most romantic thing in the world.</p><p>"I just – right now, I just want to go home with you."</p><p>Eliot wants that too.</p>
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  <p>**</p>
</div>Eliot's phone is stuck between the door and his seat, which has a few texts from Margo, illustrating her confusion and anger around his lack of whereabouts, to her utilizing her detective skills to confirm that Quentin was not in the house either, and then discovered his car to be missing and then –<p>From Margo Hanson:<br/>
<i>You two are definitely fucking GOD BLESS.</i></p><p>From Margo Hanson:<br/>
<i>Hey Curly Q we missed you!!</i></p><p><i></i>Needless to say, Margo is more than happy to not only bring Q back to Brooklyn, but to bypass taking NJ Transit by hitching a ride in Q's car. Julia is exhaustion personified, but agrees to lock everything up.</p><p>"Someone set an alarm to move my car," Q says when they get out.</p><p>Eliot will probably do the honors along with getting coffee and some breakfast goodies after taking his first dose of pain meds. </p><p>Usually with the three of them, Eliot is in the middle, but tonight it's Quentin, who holds them close in Eliot's bed. Eliot is tired on a bone-deep level, but he pets Q's hair as he sleeps soundly and feels like he's finally at home in his own apartment.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>So, yes, Eliot Waugh and Quentin Coldwater got back together and finalized it over cold brew and Danishes. And it was great.<p>Quentin moved back into the apartment within a week, not skipping a beat. His record collection filled up the empty spaces he left behind months ago. The kitchen is filled with Quentin's array of gross snacks. Eliot is fucking thrilled by all of it.</p><p>Eliot would like to think they saved money by remaining in the apartment when they're not working, but they end up having enough sex that they are too lazy to cook, so they order in frequently.</p><p>But beyond the sex, they're actually talking again. And honestly, Eliot missed that the most.</p><p>So, yes, Eliot Waugh is confident enough to claim that this is everything he could've ever wanted.</p><p>(…And he tries not to panic, he really does.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>"I'm pissed I didn't think of this," Eliot overhears Penny when he lets himself into the store, carrying a bag of sandwiches and salads that were just delivered.<p>Quentin is preening beside Penny behind the register, both focused on Margo's laptop.</p><p>"What?" Eliot questions.</p><p>Margo, who is on the other side of the store, turns to look at Eliot. "Quentin decided to set up a Spotify account for the store and is adding playlists of our combined top five lists."</p><p>"I don't remember <i>everything</i>," Q clarifies, "But I remember a few – top five album closers, top five best hookup songs, top five one hit wonders of the nineties – I started doing it yesterday and look! We hit a hundred followers and counting." He beams.</p><p>Eliot forgot a lot of these top fives – except for the top five hook up songs. That naturally has the most likes.</p><p>"It's also on the website. I hope you guys get more foot traffic now."</p><p>"You're adorable."</p><p>(They do, in fact, get an increase in people coming into the store. And not only that, customers want to share their top five songs. A good number of them are pretty egregious, but there are some who actually have good taste. And maybe some get a feature.)</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Compiling Eliot's, Margo's, Penny's, (and occasionally Q's) top five songs is completely different from making a compilation or mixtape. There are plenty of dos and don'ts – at least according to Penny, who is more stringent on these matters. Eliot frankly doesn't care if an artist is features more than once (three times though is ridiculous and defeats the purpose).<p>Anyway, it's 2020 and CDs aren't really made anymore – the mix given to Q for his dad's funeral was different – so Eliot is just developing a Spotify playlist for him. He's feeling sappy. And he's also panicking about having what he has still.</p><p>It's something to keep him busy when he's sitting in Crown Inn, waiting for Q to join him because he has a very important, urgent, lifechanging question to ask and he can't wait until after five.</p><p>"Hey," Q greets him, taking a seat at the bar. "What was so urgent that we needed to meet during my lunch hour? When I'm seeing you in five hours?"</p><p>"Do you want to get married?" Eliot asks right when the bartender comes over them to take Q's order. He promptly turns on his heel and walks to the very end of the bar.</p><p>Q gapes at him. "Uh, what?"</p><p>"Marriage. You know – that legal contract we'd sign and our taxes would decrease, or something."</p><p>Q is struggling to react, but Eliot can tell he's trying to fight off a nervous giggle by the way his mouth is twitching. </p><p>"I'm serious," Eliot tells him.</p><p>"Uh – wh-what brought this on?" Q stutters.</p><p>Eliot takes a long sip of his beer before sliding it over to Q, who takes it gratefully. "Okay, so. I've been fighting off this deep-rooted fear that I get whenever I'm really content, and I'm feeling it now, and it's manifesting into this ball of panic in my chest. And I think about…running away, meeting new people, and the relief is so fleeting, right, and then there's the rest. Going through the process of deconstructing the fantasy of someone. The fantasy is great, at first, perfect even."</p><p>Q furrows his brow and puts down the beer. "Okay…so…"</p><p>Eliot reaches out to take Q's hand. "I just…I'm realizing that what we have – what this is – isn't perfect. It never was, but it's real. And it's not going to go away unless I actively do horrible, stupid shit. And put in the work. And I want to do that with you."</p><p>Q stares for a moment. "Because I'm worth it?" he answers, not even attempting to hide his amusement.</p><p>"Of course, dear." Eliot reaches over and curls a strand of hair behind Q's ear. "Because even though the fantasy is long gone, what's left is so much better. And I'll never get that with anyone else."</p><p>"So," Q starts, smiling. "You want to marry me."</p><p>Eliot just smiles at him.</p><p>"Sounds nice," Q says with barely contained joy. "We should get a Butter and Scotch cake. Or a Carvel cake."</p><p>It's a random thought, but Eliot doesn't think he'll ever get tired of Quentin Coldwater.</p><p>"Absolutely fucking not."</p><p>"You can pick the cocktails, but I'm picking the cake, you don't even <i>like</i> cake –"</p><p>"We're not getting a <i>Fudgy the Whale</i> cake –"</p><p>Obviously there's no need to get married right away, but Eliot likes the comfort of his thoughts and, dare he say it, dreams, are out there and shared.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>**</p>
</div>Anyway. The mixtape Eliot is currently making for Q is a compilation of his top five favorite songs from each decade since the 60s.<p>He's tinkering with the 70s right now, but he knows one track that he's definitely putting on it.</p><p>Eliot increases the volume of his headphones when the chorus of "I Believe (When I Fall In Love It Will Be Forever)" plays and smiles.</p>
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